WHAT I WISH MY FATHER HAD SEEN

My dad, Darwin Thomas, has been gone forty years this month, dying at the age of 56. I was 30 when he passed away. He departed this life the year he was planning to retire. One of my life goals was to live long enough to retire, to reach a stage in life he was not able to experience. Pondering a chapter of life he was not able to enjoy leads me to an overabundance of “what ifs…”

Reflecting on the massive shifts in our world the past four decades, I notate some changes Dad was not able to experience or witness…and I sit in sadness, grateful for the years we had, longing for more.

Age of computing. I bought my first personal computer the year Dad died. I know he would’ve been fascinated by the Internet, maybe even embracing it and sharing some of his skills (such as car restoration) via YouTube.

Fall of the USSR and Communist rule in Europe. Just five years after Dad died, the Berlin Wall came crashing down. Whenever my eyes rest on the piece of the Wall a former student gifted me, I wonder how Dad would’ve viewed these events and the global shifts that have emerged.

Allison’s development and achievements. Our daughter Allison was a two-year-old when her grandfather passed. His first grandchild, I know she brought a special joy to his last 28 months of life. He would’ve loved seeing her develop as a dancer through the years! Allison is wonderfully creative, and I could see the two of them learning crafts and fixing things together. She loves soldering, painting, puzzling over mechanical items…in my mind’s eye, I watch them working on her car together, figuring a work-around rather than buying new parts, learning by trial and error in relationship.

                                                                                                                  Allison and Dad, Christmas 1983

My PhD graduation and Lori’s law school graduation. Dad seemed so proud at my Master of Divinity graduation. Late in life, he seemed to enjoy his kids’ achievements even more than when we were young. A first-generation student graduating from college on the GI Bill, Dad knew the demanding work that went into higher education, and he valued academic excellence.

Technological advancements. Dad was fascinated by clever tools, designs, and inventions. When we were restoring my 1956 VW Bug back in the early 1970s, he often paused to admire German ingenuity when examining a grommet or weld or mechanical piece. “So clever” was something I heard him say time and time again. The Hubble Space Telescope is the perfect example of something that would’ve fascinated him. I can almost hear him “ooo”-ing and “ahhhh”-ing at images of the Crab Nebula or Saturn.

A Black US President. I imagine thoughtful conversations about societal changes as we aged together, certain his take on the rise and success of President Barack Obama would’ve been worth a listen.

Opportunities for US and world travel. As a superior salesperson, Dad won company trips to Hawaii, Spain, Jamaica, Venezuela, and other countries the last years of his life. He and Mom saw corners of the world they had only dreamed of as poor Depression-era farm kids from eastern South Dakota. Dad’s time in the US Navy during and following WWII took him to various areas in the Pacific, so he had already been exposed to other cultures and knew how to interact. He loved to barter – I remember him describing Mexican vendors following him down the beach, intent on getting Dad to move off his original offers, everyone enjoying the give-and-take. He might have become a home body in retirement, but I see him enjoying some international jaunts. I think he would’ve been interested enough in post-WWII Europe and the development of post-war Japan to venture abroad. I wonder if I could’ve talked him into a trip to Manila, to stroll down memory lane at Subic Bay where he spent most of his time while in the Navy. Every time I hold coins he brought back from the Philippines, I wonder where he might have traveled later in life.

Watching his grandchildren and great-grandchildren grow. Dad only knew Allison as a toddler and my brother’s daughter Kate as an infant before he died. Eight others came after them, all unique and gifted people. I think he would’ve made time in retirement to witness his grandkids’ successes in sports, cheerleading, photography, and music and celebrate them all.

Advances in photography. Dad had an eye for images. His 35mm camera was a mainstay on vacations. Although he was quite stingy and didn’t shoot many rolls of film each year, he captured scenes with panache…and he would’ve embraced the shift from film to digital photography for no other reason than the reduced cost! I like to think he would’ve enjoyed taking photos with me and two of my siblings, Mark and Mary, who have also embraced photography, comparing perspectives and sharing the stories only photos can tell.

Finishing life together. Finally, I wish we could’ve shared our cancer survivor status together. He succumbed to pancreatic cancer, a horrible disease only a few overcome. My imagination takes me to conversations that reflect on years post-cancer, to changes unanticipated…to insights I might have acquired if we’d traveled the last forty years together.

This is, of course, a life chapter imagined but never experienced. In my created world, Dad and I grew closer and made time to share time and space. It could have been…it could have been quite different. But I like to think we would’ve aged well as father and son.

Live and connect now…in the blink of an eye, forty years have passed.