I was not happy this morning. Everywhere I turned I snagged my emotional little toe; I encountered decisions I didn’t want to make, situations I couldn’t control, moments of frustration. I was growling.

And then, a miracle happened! I stopped in the kitchen to watch juncos, my favorite winter avians, scratching the leaf litter in the yard in search of food. Mazli, the Cat Who Rules Our Home, jumped onto Lori’s kitchen desk to watch cardinals feed, dreaming of a world where glass is transparent and permeable. I performed (yet) another java pour over, creating the rich coffee I enjoy a little too much. I heard Lori laugh at something of little consequence, just a chuckle out of the blue that drifted across the house. And when I sat down to write this, I still wasn’t happy…but…

I didn’t fret. It didn’t matter. You see, I’ve given up on the pursuit of happiness. Despite momentary unhappiness, I know I am well.

We hear phrases about happiness that create mental Velcro from which it is nearly impossible to detach:

• “Find a job you enjoy doing, and you will never have to work a day in your life.” (Mark Twain)
• “Don’t worry; be happy!” (Bobby McFerrin)
• “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” (U.S. Declaration of Independence)

And, to make it more indelible, we are bombarded with the message that “happiness” is an end in and of itself:

• “Happiness is the meaning and purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence.” (Aristotle)
• “The most important thing is to enjoy your life – to be happy. It’s all that matters.” (Audrey Hepburn)
• “The purpose of our lives is to be happy.” (Dalai Lama)

Me? I’ve come to believe happiness is a chimera, a false dream. The Big Lie. I don’t really care about happiness…because I’m more focused on wellbeing and contentment.

Most happiness programs, assessment scales, and surveys are moving away from the momentary, fragile state of happiness and centering more on broader concepts of wellness. Below I outline some key ideas that, if adopted, will positively affect anyone’s experience of wellbeing. The list isn’t exhaustive, but it’s enough to get us on the right path.

Practicing Healthier Lifestyles

Everyone knows if your body feels good, the experience of wellbeing comes easier. So, what? The “what” is simple, but not easy. Most of us (hey, me!) are sedentary, moving only when we must and only exerting ourselves when we make it to the gym or at a soccer league match a few times a week. So, what?

• If you are able, walk more.
• If you can afford it, eat more foods that promote wellness. An example: adopt the Mediterranean diet.
• Like cats and dogs, we need to s-t-r-e-t-c-h. Use elastic resistance bands – cheap, durable, and life enhancing. See your dentist regularly. Get annual physicals. Get immunization boosters. Avoid virus-spreading environments when you can.
• Remember: Discipline and habit beat motivation every day. Discipline (and habits) beat motivation every day. Heading for the shower? Roll out a yoga mat and stretch for five minutes before you hop in and lather up. (Me.) Office time? Keep an elastic band on the back of the chair. (Me again.) Bad weather? Head up the stairs. And down. Do it again. And again.

Enacting Altruism

In my previous blog on happiness, I noted how helping others creates a “virtuous spiral” – they’re better off, and we’re better off. There’s plenty of historical examples, research support, and philosophies tying altruism to personal wellbeing. Katherine Nelson and her colleagues begin their 2016 research article with this insight: This research does not say that we shouldn’t treat ourselves, show ourselves self-love when we need it, or enjoy our relaxation when we have it. However, the results of this study strongly suggest that we are more likely to reach greater levels of happiness when we exhibit prosocial behavior and show others kindness through our actions.

Developing a habit of giving selflessly of yourself to benefit others as part of your lifestyle will be one of your best steps toward a life of wellbeing.

Creating Purpose

This is the “why” of living well. The French have a phrase we have all heard: raison d’etre, our purpose-in-life (PIL).

A story: You awake, finding yourself in a canoe on a still lake without a paddle. Fog envelopes you; land is nowhere in sight. But you notice a rope tied to the bow. Then you remember: you tied that rope to the dock, your destination and security. Hand over hand, you draw yourself forward. Eventually you see the dock, reach the first piers, and tie the rope tightly to the cleats. You wonder, why did I fear? I knew I could draw myself forward to reach safety.

I’m not talking about retrocausality, part of quantum theory that states causality can be both present-to-future and future-to-past. I simply hope my illustration highlights the deep value of a goal or purpose: the actions you take in the present are influenced by what draws you forward, that to which you attach yourself, your dreams, and your raison d’etre.

When your PIL is clear, anxiety decreases and confidence expands. You can see clearer, and your path is easier. Life takes on deeper meaning. Your PIL may be very short-term (as one terminally ill friend said to me, “I want to die well”) or lifelong (“I am here to unify and bring comfort”). Former President Jimmy Carter’s PIL was and always will be clear: “My faith demands that I do whatever I can, wherever I can, whenever I can, for as long as I can with whatever I have to try to make a difference.”

What draws you forward? What is your reason for living?

Forming and Sustaining Human Connections

The opening page of the 2023 Happiness Research Institute report is a quote from Vibeke Koushede, Professor and Head of the Department of Psychology at the University of Copenhagen: “Ultimately, the good life is about something as simple as having someone or something to get up for in the morning. This is true whether we are young or old. We simply need each other.”

A major burden on wellbeing is “severe loneliness.” Its influence is often greater than that of depression, and it has a greater negative impact on one’s health than smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Researchers have known for years that people live longer when they are socially connected, but it’s taken awhile for governments to address it. Because of the severe impact loneliness has on the economy and health systems, nations around the world are committing real resources to combat loneliness. The United Kingdom has a cabinet-level position called Minister of Loneliness; New Zealand is investing billions of dollars into the wellbeing of its citizens. And research suggests one of the reasons Nordic countries always score among the top five “happiest” countries in annual polling is their connections to one another: “One of the leading contributions to the happiness of Nordic countries is the high level of trust between citizens, which leads to social cohesion. This so-called social cohesion leads to an increased level of trust, which can make living in a community a more pleasant experience.” 

We really do need each other to experience optimal wellbeing.

PARTING THOUGHTS…

Focusing only on ourselves as the source of wellbeing and expecting “self-care” to attain this unattainable goal is a mirage. Believing “wisdom” sayings that promote ME!ME!ME! as the key/only/necessary ingredient for happiness will leave you lacking. And investing in the “I am a rock” mentality at the expense of connecting and sustaining social relationships as a means to wellbeing is a dead end. Your wellbeing is much greater than mere personal happiness; it is multifaceted.

With every passing day I find myself more aligned with Gustave Flaubert who said, “To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.” We’ve been duped into believing that pursuit leads to attainment, that chasing happiness means we can seize it. Wise mentors in the psychotherapy field have said, “If it doesn’t work, stop doing it. Do something different.” “Different” may include rethinking the concept and value of happiness as a life goal.

Sources creating biases around personal happiness are innumerable, and most of them point in a hapless direction. Consider wellbeing and contentment…you’ll be happier.