I generally move quite easily from indirect to direct to very direct communica-tion when a person doesn’t “get” the fact they’re imposing on me.(1) So I thought I’d offer some ideas that might help others who find themselves trapped and (to be Frank!) put out.

Situations like this happen to most of us every day:

• your seat mate on the bus, train, or airplane isn’t taking your usual hints that you don’t want to engage with them
• you (unfortunately!) respond to your doorbell, and the solicitor launches into campaigning or witnessing
• you’re standing in a long line, waiting to enter a concert or sporting event, and the person in front of you starts talking at you nonstop about all the concerts they’ve been to, including dates (when they went and what person they took along and later dumped)
• you are presenting at a conference and “that person” starts in – they raise their hand or just start talking aloud whenever you pause, offering their opinion on what you’ve just said, stealing learning time from others in attendance and derailing your flow

Some of us are uncomfortable drawing a clear boundary when we’re trapped into listening because we might be seen as “rude” (yep, that’s us Midwestern USA folks!). We imagine the other person might take offense if we respond in any way that isn’t passive listening; we might “hurt their feelings.” So we nod and say “uh-huh,” which encourages them to keep talking. We don’t interrupt. We have become a captive audience, treated as available ears for monologues that range from boring to irritating to downright insulting.

When I experience a situation in which I’m struggling to have an equitable dialogue with a dominant talker and I cannot escape the situation (e.g., I can’t fake a need to use the toilet, or say, “Oh, look at the time – gotta run!”), I give myself permission to take an escalating but respectful approach I call,

                               “metaphor, semaphore, two-by-four.”

Metaphor

When I speak of “metaphor” here, I am referring to indirect ways of interrupting the other’s monologue. This can take the form of misdirection, confusion, humor, or story. Metaphors can often create just enough space for the monologue to turn into a dialogue that includes me as more than a convenient ear. It’s hinting, not yelling “STOP TALKING!!!”; it’s creating a gap into which you might step and become an equal participant. It creates the possibility of give-and-take as opposed to just-take-it.

Using the situations above, here are some responses I call metaphor:

• BUS (Look past the person, just over their shoulder, and make an “OOOH!” sound. When the person turns to look, ask the other a question that might lead to something interesting): “What do you think of my (ring, shoes, glasses)? I really want to know!”
• DOORBELL (Take a fairly loud, deep breath, as that often catches the other’s attention). Then: “What would you say to giving me equal time to talk about my favorite candidate (or faith practice)?”
• PRESENTATION (Walk over to the person): “I want to listen and respond to your excellent points, but I’m too nervous right now; you know, I have a slide deck, notes, and things I’ve rehearsed, plus the time frame is pretty limited…Could you and I talk at break time so I could really hear your points?”

Use of metaphor might shift the conversation so you’re not trapped in the role of audience…might. If this fails, there’s…

Semaphore

The semaphore system of communication makes use of two square flags, each attached to a short pole. The signaler indicates specific letters and numbers by holding the flags in various arm positions.(2) My father was a signalman (official term) in the U.S. Navy, so I grew up hearing stories about his use of semaphore and Morse code. When ship leadership wanted to communicate with other ships within sight without breaking radio silence, they used these flag signals during the day and sent Morse code signals utilizing a spotlight at night.

To get the signal receiver’s attention, Signalman A waves the flags up and down on either side of the body and then begins signaling one letter at a time. Once the message is completed, the receiver (Signalman B) sends a signal: “Message received.” There may or may not be a follow-up message, and how the message is received or understood by B is unknown until B replies.

Semaphore is digital communication, sending letters that spell words. While metaphor is analog and vague, semaphore requires I be as direct as possible – no hinting, misdirection, or ambiguity. It doesn’t have to chastise or berate the other person. It’s simply this: “Here’s an option or several possible options from which to choose…but you won’t continue doing what you have already been doing.” You’re being as clear as you can be, saying what went on before isn’t going to continue.

• DOORBELL (wait for them to take a breath): “Did you see the sign here by the doorbell? It says, “NO SOLICITING, WITNESSING, OR CAMPAIGNING.” (wait)
• CONCERT: “I’d like to tell you about the last time I saw this band.” (wait)
• PRESENTATION (looking out over the entire group): “We only have 60 minutes together, and I’ve allotted 10 minutes for questions at the end of the presentation I’ve prepared. I want to take everyone’s questions and hear all comments, but I won’t get through my material and some of you won’t get to ask questions, all of which are important for us to hear, if we stop and start. So, please write down your questions and save them until the end.”

Yep, semaphore is more in-your-face, clear and usually less ambiguous. I’ve found it clarifies rule-setting: You don’t get to set the rules, so you don’t get to impose. We are going to do this together. If this doesn’t bring about a shift, then I use a….

Two-by-Four (2×4)

For those unfamiliar with the USA system of measurement, a two-by-four (“2×4”) is a piece of construction lumber of varying lengths that is approximately two inches deep and four inches wide. It can also be used as a club. This is a violent image, but for me it fits; the 2×4 method is the most assertive way to get the other’s attention and cooperation. It’s a 9 out of 10, the highest level of verbal exchange I engage in.

I’ve found the “whack on the side of the head with a 2×4” is too often the first and most common way people confront difficult conversational situations. I think it comes from frustration and a lack of options – we get fed up, we boil over, and we tell them off. For me, this would be a 10 on the 1-10 scale. It can be highly emotional and aggressive, a fight-or-flight response when “freeze” (no response, passivity) hasn’t worked. So, the 2×4 is my last resort, used when other less-than-direct methods have failed. I use it sparingly because, well, things usually change at the “metaphor” or “semaphore” stages.

• BUS: (Put on full-ear headphones. Don’t say a word. Don’t make eye contact.) (Alternative: get up and move to a different seat.)
• DOORBELL (if you have a “No Soliciting” sign like we do): “Please read this sign out loud for me.” (Wait for 10 seconds. No matter their response, turn your back, go back inside, and shut the door.)
• DOORBELL (if you don’t have a sign prohibiting solicitation) (Talk over the top of them): “I’m not interested.” (Turn your back, go inside, shut the door. They will continue to talk…don’t turn around!)
• CONCERT (hold up your hand, palm out, look at the ground; then, make eye contact): “I’m really not interested in listening to you talk at me.” (Turn around and engage the person behind you in line.)
• PRESENTATION: (smiling, looking at the person who persistently tries to interrupt): “I can’t finish my presentation, which everyone came to experience, and respond to you when you raise your hand. You’ll need to ask questions during the Q&A.”

I’m totally against interpersonal violence of any kind. As an aikido practitioner and sensei (teacher) of the “loving martial art” for many years, my goal is always to use the least amount of energy or force to neutralize threat. In aikido, we rarely strike; we neutralize. We seek to avoid injuring another, no matter the level of violence perpetrated. So I seek to resolve (not avoid) impositions on me using the least forceful means (beginning with metaphor) and only moving to direct communication (semaphore and 2×4) when less direct interventions fail.

The most important thing to remember is this: It’s wrong for people to impose themselves on you. Period. If you didn’t get permission or learn how to assert yourself in these situations as a child, this might feel foreign, awkward, or even wrong. But you can change. You don’t have to be witty or clever, nor do you have to practice. You simply have to give yourself permission to speak up…first softly (metaphor), then with increasing volume and insistence (semaphore and 2×4).

May the “phor’s” be with you!

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(1) I recognize I am a person of privilege. As a white, hetero, Western, older male, I can speak and be heard in situations many others may not. So I acknowledge this may be much, much easier for me to implement than others.

(2) Perhaps the most famous example using this system is the peace symbol, a combination of the semaphoric letters N and D, standing for “nuclear disarmament.”