I happened upon this essay written by actor Anthony Hopkins a couple of years ago. It resurfaced this week, and today I felt the need to reflect on his wisdom.

First, his words (I include selective paragraphs, not the entirety).

SIR ANTHONY HOPKINS:

…“Stop showing up for people who have no interest in your presence. I know your instinct is to do everything to earn the appreciation of those around you, but it’s a boost that steals your time, energy, mental and physical health

…“The more you stay involved with people who use you as a pillow, a background option or a therapist for emotional healing, the longer you stay away from the community you want. Maybe if you stop showing up, you won’t be wanted. Maybe if you stop trying, the relationship will end. Maybe if you stop texting your phone will stay dark for weeks. That doesn’t mean you ruined the relationship; it means the only thing holding it back was the energy that only you gave to keep it. This is not love, it’s attachment. It’s wanting to give a chance to those who don’t deserve it. You deserve so much; there are people who should not be in your life.

“The most valuable thing you have in your life is your time and energy, and both are limited. When you give your time and energy, it will define your existence. When you realize this, you begin to understand why you are so anxious when you spend time with people, in activities, places or situations that don’t suit you and shouldn’t be around you, your energy is stolen.

“You will begin to realize that the most important thing you can do for yourself and for everyone around you is to protect your energy more fiercely than anything else. Make your life a safe haven, in which only ′compatible′ people are allowed.

…“Decide that you deserve true friendship, commitment, true and complete love with healthy and prosperous people. Then wait and see how much everything begins to change. Don’t waste time with people who are not worth it. Change will give you the love, the esteem, happiness and the protection you deserve.”

MY REFLECTIONS:

I dropped some people from my life over the past three years.

After seriously reviewing my relationships as I neared retirement, I found some simply used me “as a pillow.” One person in particular had “no interest in (my) presence.” I was an ear for his monologues. He showed absolutely no interest in me, asked no questions about my life, loved ones, career, or interests, and expressed no interest in my own physical, mental, or emotional health. I carried that relationship for decades out of a sense of obligation, a loyalty I finally realized was misplaced. I stopped calling. (I was the only one who ever initiated.) When he noticed (which took a month or more), he tried contacting me…once. That was it. I heard from a common friend that my former friend felt I had “thrown away our friendship of nearly 50 years”…but I know I didn’t throw it away. I let it die a natural death.

In another long-term friendship, I felt my “energy (was) stolen.” While our relationship was reciprocal for a long time, I felt increasingly depleted over the last several years. I fielded crisis after crisis. I’d only hear from him if he wanted something. His self-centeredness sucked the life from a friendship that was once vital and mutual. I had to get away; I cut it off. And I felt a load drop from my life.

Some friendships simply faded away when I retired from TCU about two years ago. When you’re not in regular contact and your natural opportunities for interacting disappear, the relationship can only drift for so long before you’re no longer connected. Because I’d taken Sir Anthony’s wisdom to heart, I decided on a “return their call” mentality when I retired, waiting for workplace folks to initiate communication rather than taking on that responsibility. Some contacted me, and those friendships are thriving; others have moved on without me, and I’m genuinely OK with that.

I’ve heard friendships exist for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. There’s truth in this.

Friendships can be created and nurtured for specific reasons. An example: I regularly checked in with someone who had a total knee replacement about the same time I did, and he checked on me. When we successfully completed our rehabilitation, our contacts decreased and we moved on. Our reasons for being in relationship had ended.

Some of my relationships have had long “seasons,” lasting several decades from college days well into my 60s. But seasons aren’t lifetimes. I decided I’m not obligated to carry the full responsibility of a friendship with someone who doesn’t give back. I feel I’m in my winter of life, and this season may require quite different friendships. I’m counting on being that supportive friend and depending on friends who can walk with me on this special life path.

I have 50+-year lifetime friendships dating back to high school and college that still inform and shape who I am. Some relationships of more than three decades, connected with our move to Texas and change of careers, are as fresh as ever. And I’ve developed a few close friendships with people I’ve just met in the past five years. I don’t know if I view these as my “winter” season companions, friends I’ve developed for reasons related to retirement, or late-in-life-lifetime friends. Some lifetime friendships are brand-spankin’ new; others are re-newed, high school and hometown friends who have come back into my life; and still others have been steady for decades. But I plan to spend my “time and energy” with them, if they’ll have me, as I live out my eighth decade of life.

So today I am uncertain yet secure on my friendship path. I have no way of knowing how my friendships will evolve because I’m but a part of the whole. My health, longevity, and mental status can’t be predicted – that’s life. But I’m content in this: my purpose is to be what Sir Anthony calls a “safe haven,” and only “compatible people are allowed” to enter this intimate circle I call my deep friends.

Onward.